Feed Your Mom's Face

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who grew a human, and also to those who didn't and mom anyway. You bitches rock! Hope your families spoil your faces off!

My sweet lil fam' presented me with this gold bracelet to commemorate the year I painted allllll the things gold. (I may have gone a little nuts with gold spray paint and my gold leaf pen when it came to styling the new house this year... ) I love it, and I love the memories it evokes every time I look at it.

We have a lovely, lazy day at home planned for today... a "nothing" day, as we call it. My absolute favorite! I don't even have to put on pants! 

#winning

I have a couple of recipes I want to try out later today, and I'm already drooling just thinking about them. If they taste as good in my piehole as they do in my brain, I'll share them this week. One of them might include avocado hollandaise...

For now, I'm sharing last night's simple dinner, which in its own right would be a fantastic and flavorful Mother's Day meal. We had a fun, busy day yesterday (went to a birthday party/cookout some friends had for their twin toddlers) and were pooped by the time we got home. I didn't want a complicated dinner, but I also needed it to be on the lower end of the calorie scale.

Because I ate all the chicken wings at the party. And I may have dipped said wings into a cream-cheese-chorizo-Rotel concoction that was referred to as "man dip." (I'm pretty sure the "man dip" was supposed to go with crackers or chips, but since I can't has the carbage, I got creative.) 

Anyway, I had leftover breakfast sausage and part of an onion, plus a head of cauliflower and some greens in the fridge. I contemplated making some kind of soup out of it, but it was hot as balls in our house (because I'm turning into my grandmother and refusing to turn on the A/C until it's 1000 degrees outside), so I wasn't in the mood for soup. I decided on a deconstructed hash kinda deal, and Oh. My. Yum.

Roasted Cauliflower Steak With Sausage, Baby Kale, and Poached Egg

Ingredients

1 head cauliflower, trimmed of bottom stem and leaves

coconut oil spray (or other cooking spray)

salt and pepper

sprinkle of smoked paprika or cumin (optional)

1/2lb ground sausage

1/4 cup diced onion

4 eggs

12 cups baby kale

1 Tbs plus 1 tsp red wine (or other) vinegar, divided

1 Tbs extra virgin olive oil

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees, and line a sheet pan with parchment paper or a silpat. (You could totally grill it instead!) Slice the cauliflower lengthwise into about 1" thick steaks. (Leave a little more stem on the cauliflower when you trim it to help the steaks stay together when slicing.) Some of the florets will fall off - just roast them alongside the steaks. Spray one side of the steaks with the cooking spray, then season with salt, pepper, and a bit of cumin or smoked paprika. Carefully transfer them (a spatula helps), seasoned side DOWN, to the sheet pan. Spray and season the other side. Roast them in the oven for about 25 minutes, until tender and browned with lots of crispy (kurspy) edges.

While the cauliflower cooks, sauté the sausage in a skillet until brown and kurspy, then add the onions (and/or any other veg you want) and cook until softened and browning on the edges. Sprinkle with a little cumin or smoked paprika if you want.

Meanwhile, fill a nonstick skillet with a couple inches of water and bring to a low boil. Add 1 Tbs vinegar to the water. Crack an egg, pour it into a small bowl and then gently pour the egg into the simmering water (start at the top of the pan and add them in a clockwise pattern to remember which order the eggs entered the pan - first one in is first one out). Repeat the process for the remaining 3 eggs. Once all the eggs are added, cover the skillet and turn off the heat. Let the eggs poach for 3 to 5 minutes (depending on how firm you like your egg). Use a slotted spoon to gently remove the eggs from the water, and drain them on a paper towel before serving.

*If you ain't got time to poach a damned egg, feel free to just fry some up in the sausage drippings in the other skillet. Save's some dishes, nerves,  and would be just as (if not MORE) tasty. 

(WHY DIDN'T I JUST FRY MY EGGS???)

Toss the greens with the remaining vinegar, the olive oil, and a little salt and pepper. They don't need to be super dressed, because the toppings will add tons of flavor to them.

Top the greens with a cauliflower steak, a big spoonful of sausage, and an egg.

Serves 4

Approximate nutrition per serving ~ 347 calories, 4.3 net carbs, 26g fat, 20g protein 

Cheese. Stuffed. Bacon. Wrapped. Chili. Dog.

Dinnertime is creeping up, the fridge is looking bare, and I have NO idea what I want to feed the family. I DO know that it can't involve cauliflower, because

a) I don't have any,

and

2) They're cauliflowered the hell out for awhile.

All of a sudden I remember a foodporny pic I saw of a chili-dog the other day (not sure where), and at the time I remembered thinking that I could totally make that low carb if I ever had the urge to do so. And since I haven't had a chili dog in forever, tonight seems like a perfect opportunity to try! I did a quick Pinterest search for keto hot dog buns and read through a few. This one was helpful, especially with the tricks for creating a mold, but it seemed super heavy on the cheese. So I decided to take some of my experience with baking other paleo breads/buns (like this and this) and create my own version.

And they worked out great! 

Keto-Paleo Hot Dog Buns

Ingredients

2 whole eggs, separated

3 egg whites

2 oz cream cheese

1 Tbs ground psyllium husks

1 Tbs coconut flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp cream of tartar, divided

1 tsp apple cider vinegar

pinch of salt

optional - garlic powder, onion powder, other seasoning of your choice

Preheat the oven to 325 F. Grab a cylindrical kitchen object, a little bigger than the shape of a hotdog bun (I used a jar of salsa), and form a piece of foil (around 10"x10" in size, and preferably the nonstick type) halfway around it. Repeat 3 more times. You should have 4 bun molds. (You'll see what I mean in a minute.) Set them on a baking sheet.

In a blender (or just mix in a bowl or food processor), combine the 2 egg yolks, cream cheese, and a little water (maybe 1/4 cup) until blended. Add the psyllium, coconut flour, baking soda, salt, and spices (optional) and blend well. Add 1/8 tsp of the cream of tartar and all the vinegar and blend again. If the mixture looks really thick (like it wouldn't pour out if you tried), add a little more water at a time until it looks about like pancake batter.

In a separate - and very clean - bowl, whip all of the 5 egg whites until foamy, then add the remaining 1/8 tsp cream of tartar. Whip until stiff peaks form and the mixture looks glossy. Add 1/3 of the egg whites to the egg batter and mix thoroughly. (This will lighten the texture of the batter for the next steps.) Take another third of the egg whites and very gently fold them into the batter, trying not to deflate them as much as possible. Then fold in the final third of the egg whites and mix very gently again. 

Immediately (don't wait, or the egg whites may fall) pour the batter evenly into the prepared molds. (At this point you could also sprinkle seasonings, seeds, or other topping on top of the buns, if you wished.) Place the baking sheet with the filled molds on top in the oven and bake for about 35 minutes, until golden brown. They should sound a little hollow if you lightly tap the top. Remove them to a cooling rack for about 10 minutes, then de-mold and cool completely.

The buns WILL deflate pretty much immediately upon leaving the oven.

Because SCIENCE!

(Actually because I don't know... chemistry class was a long time ago.) If you'd like to experiment with the ingredients/leavening agents I used to make a bun that doesn't deflate, then GET ON with your bad self! I'd be happy to hear your tricks! I was totally winging' it, y'all.

When ready to fill, use a serrated knife to gently split the rolls. If they look a lil soggy inside, feel free to toast them for a couple of minutes under the broiler (I did). 

AND DENNNNN...

Fill to your wittle heart's content! My heart said BACON. And CHEESE. And CHILI. And PICKLES. And MAYO. And MUSTARD. And SAUERKRAUT. And MORE CHEESE!

I preheated the oven to 400 F. Then I took some good hot dogs...

(and by that I mean uncured, organic, grass-fed beef dogs - but organic lips and buttholes are still lips and buttholes... #LipsAndButtholesAreTotesPaleo but probably only if you skin them yourself) 

...and slit them lengthwise down the center, about a 1/4" deep (not all the way through). I filled the slit with small slices of smoked Dutch gouda (aka BACON CHEESE!). 

AND DENNNNN...

I wrapped each dog with a slice of uncured bacon. Because duh, BACON! I put them on a lined baking sheet and baked them until kurspy and cooked and oozing cheese.

While they cooked, I made a quick chili with about 10 oz of lean ground beef, olive oil (browned in a skillet), half cup of onions and one jalapeño (sautéed with browned beef), various chili spices (ancho, smoked paprika, garlic, oregano, cinnamon, cocoa, clove, cumin, coriander), and a half cup of crushed tomatoes. Just simmered it until it looked "like the good chili do."

AND DENNNNN...

Assemble yo' masterpiece!

And if you feel like a fat ass for making this entree (even though it's totes legal low-carb fare), put a salad next to it. 

Makes 4 buns

Approximate nutrition per bun ~ 117 calories, 7.3g fat, 1.8 net carbs, 8.5g protein


BONUS RECIPE!

 Smoked Gouda Cheese "Chips"

Ingredients

1 oz cheese of your choice, sliced into triangles
8"x8" piece of parchment paper (not wax paper) or a silpat

I used Dutch smoked gouda, because it's muh fave. I've also found that the thin, edible, smoked rind helps keep the cheese from oozing errywhere while it cooks.

Lay the triangles out in a circular patter on the piece of parchment paper or silpat, leaving about a thumb's width of space between each piece. Microwave on high for 1 to 1 1/2 minutes. Listen to the bubbling sounds - it's kind of like making popcorn. When the noises die down, it's about ready to come out. Depending on how browned and kurspy you like yo' chips, you can continue cooking them in small intervals, but keep an eye on them. When they're to your liking, remove from microwave and let cool on the parchment for a minute.

Then eat! Or dip!

I made an avocado egg salad to go with mine (avo + eggs + mustard). If you're using a more melty-cheese like monterey jack, etc., the cheese probably won't hold its shape while it cooks and will kind of meld together. But no worries, just break into pieces and schwack away. The browner and kurspier you cook the cheese, the more it will taste like a Cheeze It. No joke.

Here's another cheesy chip idea. And if you really want your mind blown, get on the Pinterests and search "cheese taco shell."

You're welcome.